attitude adjustment

The other day I mentioned that I was a bit out of sorts, and it seems like it has been since February that I have been in this funk. Not a big funk- just a small one.

I blamed the weather, I still blame the weather- I think it set me on a path that has just been hard to pull myself out of. Not that I am not/wasn’t happy, just feeling unsettled.

Yesterday I was a bit of a mess. End of the year parties at every other house in my neighborhood for the kiddos (parents volunteer their house if it is within walking distance) but Cole’s teacher likes to stay at the school. Blake’s class went to the pool. Austin, now in middle school- had their pool party last week which meant yesterday was a pack it up day I guess. So I was on my own with Eva- thinking about when Austin was in 1st grade and the party was at our house. Feeling sad.

I guess that is part of my problem, my kids are growing so stinkin’ fast.

But instead of trying to slow down and enjoy things, I have felt stressed out- trying to rush through stuff just to get it done. It seems like June is always like that for me, this one has been worse.

Eva is going through a huge stage where she wants to every little thing herself. Even things that she CAN’T do herself. She gets very mad when I try to help. She gives me the stink eye and yells “HEY!!!!” and then screams.

I find that when I am tired and it’s the end of the day, well I’m not terribly patient. And that makes me sad too.

And then yesterday afternoon I got a phone call that stopped me in my tracks.

My friends husband had a massive heart attack on the trail and was in a coma.

I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. Her three boys are around the ages of mine, played lax together, but they go to the private school where she and her husband are teachers. Therefore I don’t see her much any more. Honestly I think it has been since Cole and her youngest were in preschool, yet she only lives a few streets over.

I’m sad. My heart is breaking for her and her boys. My heart is breaking for her husband, who has been unresponsive and on life support since it happened Tuesday night.

I think about how the night it happened we were there at the playground on the trail. Andy was with Austin at guitar and I was with the rest of the kids at the park. They were fighting, I was mad. I yelled and made them go home.

I feel stupid, and selfish. And like I just got a big kick in the pants.

Life is short. And yet it always takes some kind of major catastrophe to remind me to step back and soak up these times I have with these great people in my life.

Yes they will fight, yes I will still get mad- but today is my middle sons birthday and I am gonna hang. I am going to stop and listen to what they have to say, I am going to play- instead of doing a million things at once with only one ear halfway paying attention.

I’m just going to be. And enjoy.

And if you wouldn’t mind, please offer up prayers for my friend and her family.